Thank Goddess Kate gave me this "voice" to use, otherwise I'd be wishing and whining all over the other boards and putting shit out there that really I think I just need to verbalize and get it over with.

I think we do our children a big dis-service when we raise them to think one way when the harsh reality is another. Or maybe I'm just destined to be a workhorse and need recognize it, deal with it, accept it and get over it.

There are some people in life who are able to play the corporate bullshit game. I'm not one of them and despite years of education and tons of $$$, I'm no better off than I was when I was a Drone at Ford/Salomon Bros. in the 70's.

I think my greatest fear is being jobless, homeless, carless, friendless yet I do all these stupid ass things to implode all of the above which I have.

Jobless

REI just moved from #74 on the 100 top places to work for by Fortune to #24. after 3 yrs of falling ratings. As ER manager I have a direct impact on that rating. It's part of my extensive job description. I found out yesterday that Sr. Management had a party for themselves to celebrate last Saturday night. I am attached to that dept. Was I invited?? No. and would I have attended if invited? Probably not. So, you say, why did my feelings get hurt? I guess I just needed the acknowledgement.

I took a long hard look at where I've come in the last 2 yrs since graduating school in May of 2002. Ok, we moved to Seattle.

I have gained 68 lbs since moving here, my hair that used to be shiny and bright is a mess, I can't smile anymore for fear of scaring people away *but I'm scheduled to go back under Dr. Mengle's knife on 1/19..YEAH*, my skin looks like I crawled out from under a rock, and I do very little of what I used to do. Other than going to work, and the occasional night out with Kate I never leave my house.

I'd like to blame where I'm living at the moment but when I lived on the UW campus, I never left either, actually I left even less because I was attached to the dorm.

For example. When we moved to Atlanta, I was everywhere, I knew all the back roads, I knew the best bars, coffee places *yummy dunkin*, movie houses, museums (yes atl has them) and never was at home, had my go shoes on all the time. Here I just cannot motivate myself to leave. And trust me, it's not because I'm so fucking comfortable in my surroundings.

I have tried to make a conscience effort for spud's sake to go somewhere every weekend, even if it's across the street to look at headstones.

I don't "spell" anymore, I don't read my tarot, I don't powwow, I don't go to the nudist camp, I don't seek out new adventures and explore. Worse, when given that situation, I get all freaky. This past weekend on a little outing, we decided to go to the "village" of Seattle called Capital Hill. Spud wanted to see "gay" couples since I told him it's NOW acceptable almost to be seen with a Life partner rather than a person of the opposite sex. Well we got lost. and drove around for 30 minutes, me freaking out, not because I was lost, but because I felt too stupid to figure it out and we've been to Capital hill MANY times. We ended up going home, stopping in a nice little community called Columbia City to eat, only to find the only places open were Bars and no kids allowed. Bummer.

Long ago, someone told me that I have a fear of Success. Not a fear of failure but a fear of success. That I get almost to the top then implode myself. or I walk away as I did with The Happy Booker and with Shipac.

On Wednesday, our COO who I GREATLY admire, in an effort to make my job a little more palatable, offered me a new job responsibility while taking away one I HATE. My additional duties will be tracking trends in our membership/employee areas that are dealing directly with diversity. Such as finding out how many of our members are of various diversity groups and offering solutions to grow those groups. It will expand my role in the diversity area greatly and I hope give more visibility to what should be a more diverse customer and workforce base. You'd think I'd be ecstatic? Hell no, I'm sitting there trying to figure out how I can justify quitting my 50K + a year job and working online again, in addition to doing my various little projects, like RX and retail university, and speaking, maybe finding a way to start Cam Girl U, so Kate and I can train Cam Girls, maybe buy a trailer and set up a mini studio. What i really want to do is go live on the Rez, not particularly any 1, although i'm most familiar with the Lakota way of life, I don't think i'm cut out for living in SD or ND. I love the ocean, the beach, and I hate being cold. tho there is a lot to be said for bedding down with your man and just being so into each other that it doesn't matter where you are, you just "be". I do miss the skin. Maybe i should apply for this. it's at the Umatilla Nation in Oregon, and while it's not even close to 1/2 what i make now, i could certainly suppliment with other activities, writing, online, speaking.
Tribal Member Benefits Coordinator
CTUIR Enrollment Office
Salary: $2,268 to $2,796
Close date: Open until filled
To request a complete job description and application packet,
call 541-276-3570

It's not so far from Portland that i'd be de-citified. I could run to PDX or even SEA for that matter to get my fix. *sigh*.. hard to be mixed..Big city woman and Indian.



Implosion!!

Homeless
On the positive side of the last 2 yrs: I have a secure place to live, OK it's NOT the greatest but it's dirt fucking cheap and I have zero responsibility and now I'm faced with moving into our own place which WILL happen, which I WANT to happen, which I cannot wait to HAPPEN, so why is this knot of fear of being homeless AGAIN in my stomach. Am I now destined because of the past live in FEAR that i'll be living in my car again?? It grips me daily as I drive up here, as depressing as it is, I think at least it's not the women's shelter and it's been 7 yrs this month since we left SafeNest in Nevada, The battered women's program. Maybe it's because I'm here in Seattle and virtually alone, and I have no kids around, no mother to call to bail me out, no resources to fall back on. How stupid is that?? Guess i could always go live in the house in 'bama *insert vomit icon* All I have to do is get in my car, have enough money to drive cross country and wallah I'm there. DUH. well I think the Alabama State dept of taxation may own my house shortly. or I'll be selling it to pay the back fucking taxes which is a whole 'nother LONG involved story and this is way long already.

Carless</a>
I am a granny driver. I never used to be. I used to drive with confidence. Now I barely make the speed limit, I'm overwhelmed with traffic which here is minimal compared to Atlanta or NYC, both of which I'd drive in with confidence. And I'm not taking care of what I have. We have On-site Lube that comes to my job. Wednesday was the day and it's time for the 3 month/3k check up on Betty. but it was raining. Did I drive around?? hell no. I parked in my designated spot and left poor betty sitting in the rain. She's about 800 miles short of her 3K so I figure I can wait till Feb. HELLO. why wait.. he's right there NOW.

Friendless (replaces dickless):

I have not been a very good friend lately. My holiday cards are still sitting unwritten in the box. I got a little gifty poo for each of my on line pals, and still they sit. My daughter in my past life, roseann, I have her card and what goes in them, sitting there too, yet have zero motivation. do I think this will break our friendship? hardly. but my mouth will. I'm frumpy and grouchy and judgmental and mean. I tell tart daily she needs her ritalin to focus, I cut MML off completely even though I know he will make my biz go waaaay forward, just got tired of his constant droning on and on about his sad life. I really needed to whisk betty away for even 2 days, yet my fear of dying in a blinding snow storm prevented me from doing that. My 2 friends I have at work, and trust me I think it's down to only 1, didn't even wish me happy birthday yesterday, even tho my admin sent an e-mail to the entire company since I work so cross-divisional I guess. I think Wendy gave up on me even tho we have the MOST in common. She's in the navy reserves, her husband is in the Air Force and is an officer, but stationed in Virginia so she has the same separation issues I have, yet when she needed friendly advice, I gave her corporate line bullshit and ever since then I've noticed a change. *sigh*.

well it was good to vent and cry a little. On an UP note: I do love it out here *(except for the DARK all the time) I like the casual atmosphere, I like the Mt and the ocean being so close, I like the hands off attitude of the police (not once have we been stopped yet) I like the company I work for and the values it espouses and I like my "life" here.. I just don't know why I'm so INTENT on blowing it up. I certainly succeeded in blowing up my marriage with my obsession of Jabba the Slut (who now has a 2nd yahoo handle that I've uncovered..see obsessed). I just keep wondering when not if that knock at the door is coming and a size 8 instead of 28 jabba is going to present herself to me.

IMPLOSION!!