See what happens when you read a rambler??? Geeze.. 2 whole posts that could be condensed into 1 sentence..

I hate the holidays.

I remember one christmas, I'd just graduated from NYU, and my parents couldn't make it to my graduation, what a surprise-not. So I graduated alone, well with my man du jour, Ralph Blantzini, YO Ralphie..where are you babe.. he was a very cute Guitar player with a band I'd met while interning in Atlanta for Mayor Maynard Jackson. I promise not to digress into an Atlanta Summer of '73 and '74 series, at least not in this issue.

Anyway my parents were suppose to come, but the day before they decided they couldn't because my father had a cold and didn't want to fly. too late for me to get tickets there, so I was stuck spending christmas alone. Ralphie had already left to go to his grandmother's in Hershey PA.

Note the street lights

and I really didn't want to intrude since he didn't invite me anyway. I'd like to think he didn't invite me because I already had plans, but I guess we'll never know.

So there I was Christmas eve with nothing to do, no presents because my parents were bringing them, no holiday goodies, and NO body in NYC that I knew was around. All my friends had gone either home or south for the week.

Across the street from my 6th floor walk up and yes I lived on the 6th floor..I swear that's why I have such big thighs today as my legs were rock solid after living there for a year.. and my rent was outrageous at ..157.00 a month. 1 bedroom which I shared with a woman called "One-tit Carol" a 40+ ex hooker who was now in the Schmatta business. Schmatta is garment lingo in NY for like cheap clothing. Looking back I don't think my parents would have survived the 6 floor climb.

I was super sad on Xmas eve, so I took myself across the street to my favorite little cafe, called Bartholomew's. We lived on the upper east side, 1st and 79th and it was between 79&80th. I really preferred the west side, but didn't move over until almost 2 yrs later.

So there i was sitting at Barth's in the window, reading the Times, seeing what i could get into the next day or would i just stay home .. drinking my ever present bloody mary. Here i was, college graduate, great job at the Ford Foundation, totally alone on christmas eve. Even Church *shudder* looked promising, but to get into St. Patricks *where else would you ever want to be on xmas eve but there* required an engraved invitation and was only reserved for the most prominate or their hand me down friends.

As i was sitting falling deeper and deeper into a funk...it started to snow.. really very light flakes.. could it be more perfect.. Christmas in NYC and snow on Xmas eve??? how much more Rockwellian could we be??


City Shopping


Tree on 56th

Even the wait crew was laughing and having a party. There were several tables of people, probably those who had to work the day after xmas *something i did not*.. but at least they had each other. what a Pity party i was having... and the hard the snow fell the harder my tears fell.

Then suddenly i realized, and i guess this was a great turning point in my life.. what was i being sad about. Christmas was really just another day.. the fact that we choose to make it an event is man made, not ordained by some higher power. but just another day. I also realized or maybe justified to myself, that i give presents all year long, not just at christmas, but in Native American tradition we are 'gifters' we give for no reason, but because we saw something that reminded us of someone we care about and thougth of them enough to make or purchase and give.

It was certainly my Epiphany:

Epiphany:
1) A revelatory manifestation of a divine being.

2) A sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something.
3) A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization: ?I experienced an epiphany, a spiritual flash that would change the way I viewed myself? (Frank Maier).

My whole being changed and i have never ever view christmas as anything but that since. I love the lights, i love the decorations, i love giving and receiving hand made gifts, even if i buy them from someone, at least they are different.

As i grew older and my children came, i really tried to do the tree thing but it just wasn't in me as they forgot by 2nd week in january or outgrown by March. and speaking of clothes for christmas, why is it when we give/get clothes for christmas, we usually get sweaters, scarves, gloves, warmsy things.. we never get/give tank tops, shorts, etc?? Just an observation. I already know the answer.

..back to Xmas of 1976.. i went home with a spring in my step. The next day about 9am..i was sleeping in.. after all i had a day off.. my buzzer is ringing.. so i stumble to the buzzer, and say Who is it??? UPS.. ON XMAS??? *UPS started in Seattle in 1907 but was a privately held company HQ'd in Atlanta until 1999* i buzzed him in.. up 6 flights of stairs he walked.. and i'll never forget him, his name was Ralphie *very common name in the tri-state area* Esposito and he lugged 2 huge boxes up the 6 flights of stairs on Xmas day. My parents had shipped overnight my presents and baked goods for me. My favorite cookies, Ginger Crinkles, that someday i'll turn into DocHolly's Cookie Shoppe..or not.. and packages they were intending to bring. Never mind i never wore anything my mom bought me, after all it's the thought that counts.

After tipping and thanking Ralphie Esposito profusely, i surrounded myself with these treasures, called my parents to wish them happy holidays and cut a slice of beef stick to watch Dicken's Christmas Carol on TV. Around 12, the other Ralph in my life called to wish me happy happy and see if i'd killed my parents yet.. when i told him they hadn't shown up, he was mad that i hadn't called him at his Gramma's to tell him. We'd already had plans for dinner the next night with my parents, so i told him just show up then.

Around 4pm there was a buzz again at my door. Since i was expecting no one and had planned to take myself to a really nice dinner at Cafe Des Artiste by Lincoln center, which i do believe is now closed.

When What to my wondering eyes should appear, but my out of town beau, bearing a tiny reindeer.

told me he had dinner with his grams and decided to drive back to the city and spend christmas night with me.

The lessons i learned that long ago xmas eve, were very profound in the way i think today. Whatever will be, will be. and it's just another day. So one should embrace the parts one loves about it, in my case, looking at the lights, sending cards.. and let go of the stuff one hates, like forced family gatherings, the rush of gift purchasing and getting exactly the right thing, which i've found in my 48 years is very very rarely the right thing, unless its a 5 karat diamond, well you know what i mean.

And Ralph? Well by the next xmas we'd broken up, he'd moved to CT., and i really didn't want to commute. Given the fact i used to drive 6-10 hrs each way every weekend to see Greg or at least 1/2 way, that little 1 hr train ride to CT seems short, but i was young and stupid. Last i heard, he'd given up being a cute little guitar player and became a pilot for the Civil Air Patrol.

Awww..life in the Phat lane..

So kick back, relax.. enjoy the company of those you want to be with, don't charge your Credit cards into looking like the national debt of Beliz just for 1 day.. even the tinest gesture when given from the heart will be remembered more than the most expensive present...unless it's that 5 karat blue diamond.

smooches!!