I know you'll miss my pithy political postings. Bill Maher was WILD last night. I swear 3/4 of the country has lost it's "edge". That's why we are proposing:

American Coastopia!


Ladies and gentlemen, you needn't fret anymore. We have decided that we
can't live in the United States anymore, because so many of you in the
"heartland" are so full of shit. We were all going to move to various
other countries, but then we thought - why should WE move?

We are tired of rednecks in Oklahoma picking the leader who will
determine if it is safe for us to cross the Brooklyn Bridge. We are sick
of homophobic knuckle-draggers in Wyoming contributing to the national
debate on our gay marriages. So we have done the only thing we could.

We seceded.

May I present to you: AMERICAN COASTOPIA.

That's right, American Coastopia. The states of Washington, Oregon And
California are joining us on one coast, and we will provide all of New
England. In the middle of the country, we have taken Iowa and
Illinois, mostly because we need the fine produce of Iowa's soil, and the
museums in Chicago are fabulous.

What's with the other dots? Oh yes, we're taking Chapel Hill and
Durham, North Carolina too. I'm not going to live in a country without
the Tar Heels. (And Duke? You're being moved to Greensboro, just like
Wake Forest was. Sorry! Assholes.)

The other dot is New Orleans, which you don't deserve. American
Coastopia needs a place to gamble, and the locals want nothing to do with
you.

And Las Vegas, since they voted the correct way, it was the rest of the rednecks in the state that were stupid.

Sure, you can visit, but it isn't part of your country anymore.

I can sense your worry. Who will get all the banks? You can fucking have
most of them, because we're taking downtown and midtown Manhattan back,
turning the whole thing into a giant artist colony replete with movie
studios and progressive think tanks. Wall Street and other
financial institutions will be relocated to Charlotte, which we believe
will suit your needs better. Frankly, the good folks in Manhattan are
sick of being a terrorist target for your benefit.

A word about our politics. Abortions will be safe and legal in
American Coastopia, and homosexual men and women will be free to marry at
their discretion. We will have our own currency, and trade with any
countries we want. Everyone will have health care. Everyone will have an
identity card. Homelessness and unemployment will be virtually unknown.
We believe in a meritocracy and a huge chasm between church and state.
100% of our cars will be hybrid by 2006.

Yes, we're taking all the people that ever created everything
beautiful. Yes, we're taking all the funny people too. All the
sculptors, architects, surgeons, philosophers, violinists and fishermen.
You should have treated them better when you had them.

We have no pledge of allegiance, but I can say this: I am no longer - From
your United States of America. I belong to American Coastopia, the United
States of My Friends. We hold our noses
as we fly over you. We are sickened by the way you treat people that are
different from you. The rest of the world despises America, and we don't
want to be lumped in with you anymore. Oh sure there are pockets of you who are
Smart.. we invite you to come live with us. We have an open door policy but you must
take a test 1st. Also, All Native American's (despite SD, AZ and OK going red) pack up your
lodges and move here..it's YOUR land after all. We are just squatting.

Please, all of you who went to bed sick with worry, come to us.
In American Coastopia, the light is always on, the hazelnut lattés are
always hot, and we have a trundle bed for each and every one of you.