I heard some interesting, sad, funny, insightful and wonderful stories over the last 3 weeks of having non-stop company. 

Over the years I've always questioned myself if I've done the wrong or right thing by thinking and living vertically rather than sprawl. We are tremendously consumptive society.  We have a perfectly adequate 3 bedroom house and yet we long for a 4th bedroom so much that we take on debt and mortgages that we cannot afford just to have a bit more room.  We close ourselves off from our family -- and sometimes with good reason sometimes just because it's the "American" thing to do -- each living in a little enclave and sometimes struggling with mounting pressure, debt etc. 

Quite a few years ago I was talking with an anthropologist who happened to be Native American but was studying why Asian and latin immigrants seemed so successful where Natives, AA, even some Eurocentric Americans seem to struggle and struggle and never become successful, own property or a business etc. 

She was comparing one band of Lakota living in 1980's with those living in the 1780 and then 1880s.   Why the ones today were failing even faster than those in the 1880's -- the height of the Indian Wars here. 

some of the interesting things she found out are coming much more into prevelance today as unemployment is running at all time highs, even in a strong market such as Las Vegas, we are experiencing 6.4% where we are normally hovering around 5%. 

Apparently those of the cultural groups she was observing, at least the 1st and 2nd generations were more inclined to live in family groups.  Ok so let's say, Mr. New Vietnam, his wife and 2 small children come here.  he works 10-12 hours (not a stretch cuz that's about what I do) a day for his cousin, Mr. Vietnam1.  He lives with his wife and kids in Mr.Vietnam1's basement.  His wife looks after all the kids while Mr/Mrs Vietnam1 and Mr New all go to work in the Green grocer.  After 3 years, Mr New has saved up enough $ to start his own green grocery on the other side of town.  Mr/Mrs Vietnam1 help him with the down payment, the purchasing, etc. Mr/Mrs New open their store, bring their children in the early morning, send them off to school and work all day, the kids come to the store after school work, do homework etc.  They close at 9pm, drive over to Mr/Mrs Vietnam1's and do it again.  After they are here for about 5 years, they also have enough money saved to buy a house with a substantial down payment.  3 months after moving into their new home, Mrs. New's sister comes to live with them and Mr. Vietnam1's brother moves into Mr/Mrs New's old quarters.  and the cycle begins again. 

They do not throw their families into the streets to fend for themselves.  They share the expenses of the 1st mortgage so they can buy a 2nd house then a 3rd then a 4th.  Each "unit" for lack of a better word sacrifices then helps the other ones along.  If you look at the successful immigrants -- legal and illegal -- its the same. 

Natives (not to be confused with India-Indians), while we claim to "care" about our families, are so filled with internal struggles such as addiction, disease and poverty that we are really living in survival mode.  We don't dessert our family nearly as much as Eurocentric cultures here, but we are less likely to pool together to help the entire family succeed.  We see that in AA cultural as well.  I am pretty sure for both Native and AA, it is a learned response.  That the "norm" is to have 1 family per house and the biggest baddest house on the block is a sign of success.

But is it really?? How successful are you if your siblings, parents and even your close circle of friends are struggling and almost homeless?? I know many very wealthy and career successful people who are absolutely miserable, suffer from all types of addictions and/or depression.  One of the people who has visited over the last 3 weeks is an extremely successful business woman. She and her husband take 3 or 4 trips abroad every year.  They work side by side in a booming debt consoladation business in NJ.  Yet she is so lonely that she talked the entire 4 hours we were together at dinner. I mean she was always a talker but no one could get a word in.  As her husband left to go play a few hands of poker, she and I had coffee and dessert and I just bluntly asked her what was going on.  She broke down that even though they are together almost 24/7, he rarely talks to her.  She's the numbers cruncher and is rarely in contact with clients directly.  But I also know that her daughter is a single mom and struggling very much to maintain balance in her own life.  So I said..why don't you have Gina and Malik move in with you?  you certainly have the room and help her. 

You'd think i'd of grown a horn and turned green. 

her daughter is 28, way past the age of teen angst.  YET it never occured to her that possibly the CURE for her own lonliness was to go against what society holds as the norm and let her daughter and grandson move in with them. 

Maybe it's because I think vertically rather than horizonally.  Maybe because I've become used to living in less square footage.  Maybe because I hear my friends telling me about losing homes, jobs etc yet they are unwilling to do what it takes to resolve that issue.  Even my own children have bought into this 1 house/1 family deal and they were raised partially in Jamaica where people live 2/3/4 families to 1 house.  and the other part was raised in NYC where we put 8 people 6 adults and 2 children in a Jr. 2 bedroom.

I think what triggered this early morning "musing" was a combined effort.  I was watching HGTV and the National Open house..where this family lived in a beautiful 3 bedroom house that they'd bought quite cheaply but was now almost doubled in value.  they had 2 children and another on the way and they'd out grown their home.  Like what happened to siblings "sharing" a space?? Never in my life did i have my own room until i moved to NYC, then I had a studio but 8 months after moving there, my sister moved in with me.  The 2nd part was a friend of mine in Wisconsin who was here over 4th of July was telling me, her parents were moving in with her and how freaked out she was.  I don't know what her parents circumstances are/were but apparently they'd made some bad financial choices and had to vacate their current lifestyle.  Ok well Jen is MY age so you know her parents have to be close or over 70. 

I'm putting my son on notice right now.. Listen Buster.. your brother and i will eventually be living with YOU.. wether it's a lean-to or a yurt in the back yard or closeted in a bedroom upstairs. and NO bitching. 

No oatmeal either.

Because on the news was this story..